dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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