Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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