I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
