batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
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