when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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