Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
