I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
