i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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