Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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