I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
