The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
