we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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