You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
