i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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