My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
