Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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