So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
they need to just BURY HIM!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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