just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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