totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.