Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat