dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw