it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
