My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
