If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
