So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
