i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
