HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just threw up on my dentist
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
