she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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