As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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