I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
