his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
