News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
