halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
