i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
