Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
being pregnant is like rehab
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
