I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
