I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
