I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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