I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
