Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
