I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
