Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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