I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
