how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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