so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
