yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
