im six kinds of drunk right now
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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