Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
