Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
