I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
