Heybabeimwearingurpanties
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
