I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
