true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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