I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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