Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
