I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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