what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
