nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
