i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
