Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
